Having So Much to Do, but No Motivation to Do It.

A few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. I built this site, was writing every day, reading two to three books a week, and just being productive. My first newsletter was written, and I started tracking social media metrics. I was just having fun and loving being alive.

Now, I find myself with so much to do, but no motivation to do it. I need to write, read, plan out social media. I need to promote my books. No matter how hard I try to reach deep within me to pull out some semblance of motivation, nothing ever comes up. I find myself with a blog and no content planned for the next month. My mind is racing as I begin to hear the familiar voices telling me I’m a failure.

So what happened? What brought me from the top of the world to rock bottom in a matter of weeks?

Bipolar.

See, in periods of mania, I feel like I’m unstoppable. Motivation aplenty graces my life. I spend money like it is a bottomless pit. Most of the time, it isn’t things that I need or things that I really want. It’s more spur-of-the-moment purchases that add up over time. I get so much accomplished during these periods, some of my best work comes out of it. I could take on the world.

But then a switch gets flipped. Suddenly, the motivation is gone and my anxieties are more relevant. My anxiety leads me on a journey every single day of what needs to be done, what I need to accomplish to be successful. The motivation just isn’t there. At the end of the day, I berate myself for being a failure. “That’s all I’ll ever be,” I tell myself over and over again.

The sad realization of overspending hits me as I struggle to put together a plan to bring myself out of a financial pit I drove myself into. The anxiety creeps up and plays me every possible scenario of money woes. I lose my car; I lose my job; I lose my house; I lose my family. I always lose.

It’s a relentless cycle that always haunts me. I’m constantly worried that a slew of depression will follow my good mood. I’m looking over my shoulder and watching the wake of my destruction, but I can’t stop my feet from moving forward. Time after time, I overanalyze what I’ve done. I hate myself for it.

Time after time, I’ve held in these feelings and thoughts. I kept them to myself. I didn’t want to feel like a burden or a stressor to any of my friends and family who were dealing with their own stress. I felt like I was bothersome with my worries and my pain, that they were all irrational thoughts and people would dismiss me as crazy or attention-seeking.

Finally, I had to realize that I couldn’t do this myself. Every time I fell into the darkness, it wasn’t until I reached my hand out for help that I was pulled out. Still, I ignored what helped me the most time after time. Until this time. I reached out for help as soon as the feelings of dread came back. I got a doctor’s appointment sooner than I had any of the times trying to fight it myself.

Published by Tyler Wittkofsky

Tyler Wittkofsky is a multi-genre author, blogger, award-winning marketing and communications professional, and fierce mental health advocate from the southern coast of North Carolina. Tyler has been writing short stories for as long as he can remember. Growing up the grandson of an English teacher, Tyler had a constant fuel to his creative fire in his grandmother. He started writing poetry in 2012 to cope with his mental health struggles with anxiety, bipolar, and depression. Using poetry as an escape, he developed a unique style of poetry that has left readers saying, “Tyler’s voice is compassionate, even while suffering, and I felt the despair and loneliness seeping out through his words.” His first poetry collection, composed of poems written from 2012 to 2016, was published in March 2020. He began his first novel in 2019. The novel, (Not) Alone, was a story based on true events surrounding the struggles of living with mental illness. Described by readers as “An Intimate Closure with Mental Illness,” this began Tyler’s revitalized passion for mental health. He decided that his writing would have a focus on mental health. His next novel, The Seeds of Love: Sunflower Kisses Book One, was his debut romance novel and debut series. Described as “a great job of relaying the realistic emotions of young love and emotional drama that is particularly difficult for young adults…”, his debut romance novel was met with much success. In 2021, Tyler began writing short stories. He was accepted into several anthologies in mid-2021, expected for publication in early 2022. He also writes supernatural horror and historical fantasy for the online magazines In the Pantheon and In the Crescent. He has work published through Five Minute Affairs as well. He built his website www.TeaButWithCoffee.com in 2021. On this site, he started his blogging journey. He began writing book reviews, interviewing indie authors, and writing on mental health. This passion sparked a new desire to connect with more people. Tyler is currently in the beginning stages of two podcasts that he hopes to be live by the end of 2021. Tyler currently lives in Leland, North Carolina with his wife, Grace, and dogs, Dutch and Belle. You can find him and his works here: https://linktr.ee/wittkofsky

2 thoughts on “Having So Much to Do, but No Motivation to Do It.

  1. So glad you’re reaching out for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help.

    Bipolar Disorder is tough to fight alone but having a support system like medical professionals or even friends and family you can turn to can make a world of a difference. Best of luck to you! 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

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